Consent is Key: Starting the conversation of consent

Hello, are you ready to have a conversation that is important, but most people are sick of having? No, not politics, we are talking about CONSENT. This has been the number one request from followers of our Facebook page for us to talk about, so here we go.

Now, I know, it's not exactly the most fun conversation to have, but regardless, it NEEDS to be had. We did talk a bit about it for the beginning of the #SpankingFebruary Over Arching Theme, but we wanted to dive more deeply into it in general. If you want to read the first one, you can read it HERE, but I will go back over most of what was said in that post, just to make sure we have one single post that can always be referred back to when discussing consent.

So, first thing, is the part I add onto every definition of a kink, which I believe should be added onto to any kind of definition involving interaction between two individuals on a sexual level. Those words are:

.....For Enthusiastically Consensual Pleasure Purposes.

Everything we do in kink needs to be consensual. All of it, every single thing. Now, consent can mean having a conversation ahead of time and agreeing to certain things in the future that don't require consent before it happens again, but that conversation NEEDS to be had. It is no longer a matter of figuring it all out as you go, and it never should have been. Kink, and Fetish, and Swing, and BDSM in general, should always come with conversations beforehand, and so should any kind of sexual interaction for that matter. We as a society need to retrain ourselves to not be scared of in depth intimate conversations about our expectations and our desires. If you are scared that the person might not be into what you are, or that they will react poorly to where your lines are drawn, then why are you even with them in the first place? Settling however is another conversation and once we have that one I will link it HERE.

For the sake of argument, let's say you aren't afraid to let them know your expectations and/or desires, and you are ready to have the consent conversation with them. Where do you begin such an important conversation, and WHEN do you have this conversation. Saying that you should have the conversation before anything happens is one thing, but that amount of time could be different for every person you interact with on a sexual level. In my opinion, that conversation should start happening within 24 hours of the conversations between you and the other person starting to head in a sexual direction. As soon as you feel that there is a chance of sexual activity of any kind happening in person or even via chat, bring that conversation up.

It's perfectly acceptable to be blunt when you bring up the conversation of consent. There really is no need to beat around the proverbial bush. If talking about consent hurts their feelings or makes them uncomfortable, see the red flag being waved in your face and either walk away or push a bit harder. Consent conversations HAVE to happen. They need to become a normal part of every budding relationship that involves any kind of contact on an intimate or sexual level.

Everyone has that one friend who's not a hugger, right? So when they walk in the room you hug everyone except them because you don't want to upset them and get in their space, right? How did you find out that they don't want to be hugged? You had a conversation with them about how they feel about hugs, they removed their consent to be given hugs, and you stopped hugging them. That was easy and simple right? Well conversations about sexual consent can be just as simple and easy to have. Just let your prospective new partner/playmate know where your lines are drawn, what your safe words are, and what things you do enjoy. Then ask them to do the same for you. 

Honestly, it is really that simple. Consent conversations do not have to be difficult or awkward or time consuming. They are a simple layout of your boundaries and expectations, and then you move forward.

Next post will be about what to do if there is an issue during your consent conversation.

An Aha! Moment: physical intimacy with friends

So, I had an AHA! moment today and think I finally know exactly where I stand. Just because a friend flirts, or send nudes, or even fucks me, doesn't mean there's anything there beyond friendship. I never used to have an issue with separating that before, but then I started a group for Polyamorous people on Facebook, saw all the polycules around me and the amazing people I wanted to be with, got desperate for attention, and fucked it all up.

When it comes to people I talk to, I need to give this this mindset:
So you don't want to flirt, we won't flirt.
You change your mind tomorrow and want to fuck, then we can fuck.

However, will go right back to ground zero friendship after. Every friend is just a friend, no matter what may happen between us sexually.

To be honest, I attract very few women who actually want to date me, and with my anxiety and depression issues, most vanish quickly. I will instead enjoy the attention I do get, be grateful when someone is willing to flirt/hang out/fuck me, and just continue on with my life as it is.

Please don't think that this is me settling either. This is what makes the most sense for me, and I believe it should make the most sense for many others as well. What's the point in constantly chasing relationship after relationship? Especially when it more often than not leads to heart ache and anxiety and depression.

So I take my cues from the people I'm attracted to around me. I will be myself, at all time. Any time they are in a mood to escalate things for the moment, then it escalates. As soon as that mood is gone, then it goes right back to normal. No questions, no hard feelings, just friends being friends in whatever way suits us that day in that moment.

I think the biggest issue of creating the mental separation is more the act of separating physical intimacy from romance, rather than separating physical intimacy from friendship. Being connected to a friend enough to be willing to be physically intimate with them is amazing, especially when you remove the thought of physical intimacy needing to be attached to romance.

Physical intimacy, at least for me, is a separate thing from romance. Romance is a mental connection and is about how you feel about a person. It's wanting to be around them, and spend all your time with them, and take care of them. Romantic intimacy is just a specific form of psychical intimacy for a specific relationship. We are trained in this monogamous based world in which we live, that they are mutually exclusive, and it is beat into our brains from day one. It is in every book, and movie, and show, and song, and.........

We are taught that monogamy is the only way, and that we are to spend our days looking for that one person in this entire world who is our soul mate. We are taught that jealousy is bad, except when it comes to the person we love having any interest in anyone else. We are taught that we are to share, except when it comes to relationships. We are taught that sex = making love, and that you should only do it with the person you are in love with. We are taught all of these things as if it is the one and only way for the world to survive. But we will get more into that at a later date.

If you are going to be open, swinger, polyamorous, or just enjoy FWB, then we as a people need to learn that there are different types of romance, different types of intimacy, and different types of relationships.

No one human can completely fill another humans needs, which is why we have friends. So why not take that up a level and say that no human can completely fulfill another humans physically intimate needs? So we should have friends to help with that too. I mean come on, all relationships should build up from a friendship anyways, right?

And with everything I said in my Aha moment, that doesn't mean that I can't grow a relationship with someone, it just should always have the option to go back to being just friends if needed.

Spanking: Bare Hands

So, when most people hear the phrase bare handed spankings, they think of some dad bending a child over their knee to punish them. Well, in kink, that can work just the same. There is nothing quite like a Dom grabbing their bratty Sub, bending them over their knee, exposing their bare ass, and spanking it till it's red (all consensual of course). The rush of pain both for the Subs ass and the Doms hand, mixed with the ecstasy of the whole idea of the Dom taking control away from the Sub and actually punishing them, it's just a wonderful combination of sensations on sooooo many levels. It's a give and take, and it's so much more intimate and carnal than using implements, at least in my opinion.

As basic as a bare handed spanking is though, it's not a simple task, and should never be taken lightly. Just because you can smack skin on skin with no need for implements or much warm up, doesn't mean there's not nuances to it, or things to avoid. Any kind of impact play can go wrong and cause damage if care is not paid to how you are going about what you are doing. The last thing you want to do is actually hurt either person involved in any way outside of the enthusiastically consensual pleasure purposes we spoke about in the consent post. So lets go over some ways that you can do actual damage using just your bare hand.

First things first though, just a reminder, all of this is to only be done AFTER having the consent conversation before hand. I know it may not sound sexy, but having the conversation first helps protect you and the other person from unexpected issues and awkwardness and misunderstandings that come with going into a Kink situation blind. That being said, let's begin.

This part is going to be written for the Doms, but will still be good info so all Subs to pay attention to and make sure you are being taken care of properly.

When it comes to Bare Handed Ass Spankings, one of the biggest things that can create issues, is how much pressure you put behind the spanking and how quickly you escalate it. Just because you may know that your Sub can take a lot of pain before calling Red, doesn't mean you should start at the level right off the bat. It's like going to the gym, you don't jump straight into lifting the heavy weights right away, you warm up to it and get your muscles ready for it. Bare Handed Spankings are the same way, both for the Dom and the Sub. The hand needs just as much warm up as the ass does to be able to do a good job without doing damage or creating excess pain. So start with some small sharp spankings, the attention getting ones, but then make sure to rub the ass a bit, feel the warmth and friction. The act of rubbing between hits helps promote blood flow to the area and soothes the nerves a bit to help keep it from becoming too painful or creating blisters.

Now that you have started easy, and are working your way up, this is where you start to pay attention to the way your Sub is reacting to each spanking, how your hand is feeling, and to how often you are hitting any one specific spot. These are key factors in determining how you will continue in your spanking pressure escalation, and these factors can vary every single time you do a spanking scene.

Paying attention to your Subs reactions:
As you Bare Hand Spank your subs ass, take notice on how they react to each hit. There are many different ways they may react, and it will be up to you to learn what way fits your specific sub. Some people are vocal, and it is important to listen to not only what sound they make, but also to the tone of those sounds, and how often the sounds occur. If your Sub is the kind of person who makes a lot of noise when they are feeling pleasured, then if you notice they aren't making any noise, you should stop and check that they are okay. The same goes for the opposite, if they are usually quiet during a scene, then lots of noise could mean they are struggling to handle the impacts.

How your hand is feeling:
A big part of Bare Handed Ass Spankings is how the Bare Hand itself feels while you are in the midst of the Spanking session. Just because you may be able to handle the pain and the tingle, doesn't always mean you should, and it could also mean that you need to change up the way you hold your hand during it. Are you hitting flat handed or cupped? Are you making them quick hits or are you holding your hand there for a second after impact? Are you going quick or slow? Everything you do affects how it feels not only for the Sub, but also for how long your hand can hold out before it either burns too much or goes numb. You need to make sure you are finding a hold, type, and rhythm that not only works for your Sub, but also that does the least amount of damage to yourself. The hand has less padding than the ass does and even though it may be used to being beaten up by life, it's not nearly as durable as an ass when it comes to repeated high impact blows to it. Plus, have you ever gotten a bruise on your palm? It hurts, and is one of the most uncomfortable places to get one. So be careful, and take care of your hand as much as you are taking care to not damage your Subs ass.

How often you are hitting one specific spot:
When you are spanking someone, do you pay attention to where you are spanking them, or are you more concerned with how you are hitting them? You should be paying attention to both things. We need to remember that the ass has many different areas, and isn't all just padding. There is a tail bone to worry about, depending on how you have the Sub bent you have to worry about butt bones sticking out, and getting too close to the asshole can cause severe pain. It is important to learn about your Subs ass, where the most padding is, what feels the best, and where all you can hit. Don't be afraid to do some research, it takes two minutes to do a google search on spankings and what areas are okay and what areas are no go's.

Now you're at the point where you are paying attention to your sub and yourself, you're careful of where you are hitting to get the most impact and do the least damage, and you are in the zone because you already had the consent conversation and know where the lines are drawn.
ENJOY!!!!

Bare Handed Ass Spankings are a blast, when you pay attention and do it right.

So go, take what you have learned, apply it to what you are doing, and enjoy yourself.
Let me know how it goes afterwards.

Hope this helps, there will be more of these articles to come.

May you all have a wonderfully kinky day.

Consent is Key: Spanking

Spanking is a very broad term that fits under the even broader term of impact play. Our definition of Impact Play is:
When one individual uses something to create an impact with another individuals body, for the sake of enthusiastically consensual pleasure purposes.
Yes, that's a very bland definition but that definition has a very key part to it. Can you guess which part is the most important part of it?

Yep, you're right, 

enthusiastically consensual pleasure purposes

is the most important part of that definition, and actually it's the most important part of any kink definition. Everything we do in kink needs to be consensual. All of it, every single thing. Now, consent can mean having a conversation ahead of time and agreeing to certain things in the future that don't require consent before it happens again, but that conversation NEEDS to be had.

If you are getting into a relationship that will include impact play, you need to sit down with your partner(s) and discuss what is and isn't allowed ahead of time. Like for me and my pet, we sat down and discussed what kind of impact is okay with no prior warning, and what things need to be mentioned before doing. She is okay with me randomly spanking her, or pinning her against a wall and kissing her, or other things along those lines. However, she is not okay with it in front of family, and she reserves the right at any time to tell me that it's a bad day and that it is off limits for the day. That is consent. That is communication and discussion about what is and isn't okay for her and for myself. That is what I am talking about.

Even if you have a relationship that is master/slave in nature, and you are the master, you still need to respect your submissive on their boundaries and make sure you have gained consent. No one is your personal property to the point of ignoring their consent. You may think you know what is best for them or what they will like, but if you do it after they have said no, or without verifying they are willing to try it, then that is abusing your power, and that is wrong. Pushing and coercing them till they finally give in and give consent is wrong as well. Consent given out of pressure is not actual consent.

Now I am not saying you can never ask for something again after they have said no, it's all about HOW you go about asking for that consent. Don't badger them, don't pressure them, and have a conversation. Explain what you want to do, why you want to do it, how you will want to do it, and how it will affect them. Give all the details you can. If they still don't want to, you have to accept that and move on. Let them know that you may be asking again at a future date, and that you are still interested, but that you will not do it without their consent.

I know, consent is a big key word right now in the world, and it seems like a lot of hassle to have all these conversations about stuff instead of just diving in and giving it all a try. I know, it's frustrating and seems like it will kill the whole mood of what you're trying to do. However, there is no better feeling than going into a scene or new relationship already knowing what is and isn't okay. The freedom you have to just enjoy yourself rather than always having that voice in the back of your head wondering if it's okay or not to do something is incredible.

Oh, and one more thing, do not EVER be afraid to speak up and remove consent for something, whether you're the Dom or the Sub. Just because you gave consent for something, doesn't mean you can't change your mind later on about it and remove the consent. You may have enjoyed the thought or idea of the thing, or even enjoyed the thing, and over time decided it really wasn't for you, or you just don't want to do it anymore. That's okay!!! Being able to remove your consent is just as important as being able to give it.

If you find you are with someone who ignores consent, doesn't want to discuss it, or won't let you remove it at a later date, you are with an abuser, not in a relationship. Your partners biggest concern should be making sure you are happy and healthy when you are with them. Just as you take care of them, they should be taking care of you. It they are not taking care of you, or are ignoring consent, that is NOT a healthy relationship and you should find a way to get out of that relationship. There is no reason to stay in a relationship with someone who does not respect you enough to give you the basic human decency of consent.

May you all have a wonderfully kinky day.