Consent is Key: Starting the conversation of consent

Hello, are you ready to have a conversation that is important, but most people are sick of having? No, not politics, we are talking about CONSENT. This has been the number one request from followers of our Facebook page for us to talk about, so here we go.

Now, I know, it's not exactly the most fun conversation to have, but regardless, it NEEDS to be had. We did talk a bit about it for the beginning of the #SpankingFebruary Over Arching Theme, but we wanted to dive more deeply into it in general. If you want to read the first one, you can read it HERE, but I will go back over most of what was said in that post, just to make sure we have one single post that can always be referred back to when discussing consent.

So, first thing, is the part I add onto every definition of a kink, which I believe should be added onto to any kind of definition involving interaction between two individuals on a sexual level. Those words are:

.....For Enthusiastically Consensual Pleasure Purposes.

Everything we do in kink needs to be consensual. All of it, every single thing. Now, consent can mean having a conversation ahead of time and agreeing to certain things in the future that don't require consent before it happens again, but that conversation NEEDS to be had. It is no longer a matter of figuring it all out as you go, and it never should have been. Kink, and Fetish, and Swing, and BDSM in general, should always come with conversations beforehand, and so should any kind of sexual interaction for that matter. We as a society need to retrain ourselves to not be scared of in depth intimate conversations about our expectations and our desires. If you are scared that the person might not be into what you are, or that they will react poorly to where your lines are drawn, then why are you even with them in the first place? Settling however is another conversation and once we have that one I will link it HERE.

For the sake of argument, let's say you aren't afraid to let them know your expectations and/or desires, and you are ready to have the consent conversation with them. Where do you begin such an important conversation, and WHEN do you have this conversation. Saying that you should have the conversation before anything happens is one thing, but that amount of time could be different for every person you interact with on a sexual level. In my opinion, that conversation should start happening within 24 hours of the conversations between you and the other person starting to head in a sexual direction. As soon as you feel that there is a chance of sexual activity of any kind happening in person or even via chat, bring that conversation up.

It's perfectly acceptable to be blunt when you bring up the conversation of consent. There really is no need to beat around the proverbial bush. If talking about consent hurts their feelings or makes them uncomfortable, see the red flag being waved in your face and either walk away or push a bit harder. Consent conversations HAVE to happen. They need to become a normal part of every budding relationship that involves any kind of contact on an intimate or sexual level.

Everyone has that one friend who's not a hugger, right? So when they walk in the room you hug everyone except them because you don't want to upset them and get in their space, right? How did you find out that they don't want to be hugged? You had a conversation with them about how they feel about hugs, they removed their consent to be given hugs, and you stopped hugging them. That was easy and simple right? Well conversations about sexual consent can be just as simple and easy to have. Just let your prospective new partner/playmate know where your lines are drawn, what your safe words are, and what things you do enjoy. Then ask them to do the same for you. 

Honestly, it is really that simple. Consent conversations do not have to be difficult or awkward or time consuming. They are a simple layout of your boundaries and expectations, and then you move forward.

Next post will be about what to do if there is an issue during your consent conversation.